Surviving a Child's Suicide
& Other Grieving Resources
When my 15-year-old son Julius died by suicide in November of 2022, a stranger sent me flowers. She didn't want me to feel as alone as she had when her husband died by suicide a few months prior. This list of resources is my bouquet to you. I'm not sure how many of these resources may be of help to you, but they're what I wish I would've had when I needed them most After this tragedy, of all the overwhelming thoughts and feelings, among them was feeling blindsided, as if I’d been skidded far into a strange land, and manic to try to reorient myself. In the heightened agitation of early grieving, I sought furiously for resources that would help, which may be what brings you likewise to this page. But many of these resources I found far after I needed them. It would mean much to me if even one person could benefit from my retrospective.
If you’ve found your way to this page, I may be deeply sorry as to why.
If you’re here because a child or loved one chose to die by suicide, please accept my condolences on the unbearable loss you may be suffering. You may be amid the most challenging experience of your life. I’ll remind, THERE IS NOTHING WE COULD HAVE DONE DIFFERENTLY TO PREVENT THIS: it is our loved one’s choice and sovereignty. I’m here to attest that you will get through this, and that you will likely discover within yourself more than you knew you had, especially if you have the resilience to allow your heart to break open, and perhaps even stay that way. I also respect that we each do grief in our own time and way, so I understand that some resources that have been helpful to me may not be helpful to you, and that’s ok. But if my approach helps you, I welcome your reaching out to me as one of hopefully many safe places you’ll find. It’s my honor to offer my services as a peer-to-peer grief companion through my Loss & Grieving Sessions, for those who'd welcome a fellow traveler who knows this path through the forest, through pain and toward hope. I offer this service in an era when even many of our mental & medical health professionals remain untrained in loss & grieving support, let alone without personal initiation into profound loss to lend them this capacity. It would be my honor to walk this path with you.
If you’re here because you’re fearing your child or loved one may choose suicide, I honor what you’re enduring and your willingness to look at this possibility straight on. Again, I’m one of many who can attest to the humbling surrender that there may be nothing we can do to prevent what is ultimately their choice, despite what may be our best efforts with interventions like weekly contracts, resources, professionals, clear boundaries & unconditional love. Though this page doesn’t offer preventative resources, it does offer ways to care for ourselves, which some remind may be the only factor we can control. I likewise welcome your reaching out to me.
If you’re here because you're grieving someone or something else, welcome as well. I hope you find here ideas that help you, too. I'm cautious about our tendency to compare our grieving, just as we compare our stories and make judgements about ourselves and others. Rather than judge whose grief is worse or who "wins," I'd rather believe that grieving, no matter its cause, may very well be the thing we can allow to unite us across differences and open our hearts.
If you’re here as a helper or as grief-curious, thank you. Our modern way of living desperately needs more safe spaces for skillfully processing & witnessing grief. Those of us enduring profound loss sometimes endure added pain sadly from those well intentioned only trying to help. But the problem is our society only really trains us how to deny or “get over” grief, not how to welcome it as love, with nothing to fix, only to be experienced the whole way through. I trust you’ll find here resources that help you help the way you want to. I welcome hearing from you.
If you’d like a quick, easy way to learn more about grieving, this may help.
"We're not here to save them.
We're here to love them...
and that we CAN do, even really well."
- Harry, fellow Helping Parents Heal parent surviving a child's suicide
Here are resources that have influenced my path, recovering from my son’s suicide, should any be of help to yours:
Grieving Practices
grief jar This practice of off-loading my thoughts on scraps of paper and stuffing them in a jar helped me cope the first few weeks. My friend Mae Lee, whose new husband tragically died, introduced me to the grief jar before I knew I’d need it myself in a few months. It involves a large jar or vase, pre-cut slips of papers and willingness to write down unflinchingly every “What if…” and “If only…” piece of bargaining we can catch plus each splinter of shrapnel we can dislodge of the normal intrusive thoughts, regrets, anger, guilt, shame, shock, denial, jealousy, even relief. All of this is too much for us to hold, so we need to give it over to some thing/Thing else to hold it for us. One day we may wish to ceremonially burn the contents, even in the jar, should we ever be ready. Or to write other perspectives on the other side of the slip in different colored ink. For example, if on one side I'd written "If only I hadn't given him a hard time when he'd gotten mad about cooking dinner that night, maybe he'd still be alive," on the other side I could one day go back and write, "The wise part of me knows there's nothing I could have done differently to make him stay since his death is within his circle, and outside my control." Or with "What kind of mother can admit that I won't miss the pain of how hard he'd push us away, when we were just trying to help and love him, even though now he's dead?" on the other side I could one day write, "I am brave and wise enough to honor how complicated my feelings are about my son's death, and feel ALL the feelings the whole way through."
an altar I needed to put in the center of our living space, on the dining table, photos, candles, and memorabilia to our son to help hold him and this experience centrally. Eventually, I didn't need it at the center and could move the altar to a bench in front of the window, where it may always live.
a black arm band Around six months, my spouse made a black arm band to wear to work, a tradition sports teams and officers still occasion, in the wake of few modern mourning customs, in contrast to the Victorian high art of mourning or older rites involving longterm care of us by our community. I wore one, too, with him, through the first year. It reminded me, if not also others, and brought us comfort. I wish we would have thought of it sooner. A mixed blessing was that sometimes when others were brave enough to ask about the arm band, a torrent of their own untended grief would rush out of them, and we'd find ourselves in the position of finding the compassion to hold others' old grief when they hadn't yet become skilled in how instead or also to hold our new grief, like being seen and unseen at the same time.
Early Grief
Early Grief
Early Grief
Early Grief
sleep, however we can get it Whether we resort to over-the-counter sleep aids or nighttime cold & flu medicine for the short term, or get a sleep prescription from our PCP, the sooner we can front load our coping with guaranteed sleep, the better.
Early Grief
music & other things that helped me access the emotions I needed help getting to I listened to my son's Spotify playlists, which helped me sob. I found Spotify grieving playlists, some of which helped me sob. Among those, I started my own grieving playlist, my go-to when I needed to sob. Other predictable things that helped me sob: photos, home videos, his room which still smelled like him, his spot in the woods where he died, his grave, revisiting his art & writing, then later compiling a binder of mementos.
Early Grief
healthy self-soothing options Screaming and crying in the woods and while driving alone (though staying safe) helped me tremendously, as did drinking lemon verbena tea, dancing intently, soaking in baths, and sitting beside a fire. I learned the simple technique of long, slow, even audible exhales calming the nervous system. I learned about digging a hole, laying belly down with our face over it, and releasing our grief, tears, and snot back to the Earth, who knows just how to hold us and how to transmute our pain. I took a clue from my son's childhood and began rocking by body like he used to: curled in a ball on all fours, forehead on the floor, swaying side to side, which also helped tremendously. I allowed myself to feel grief's pain and life's pleasure at the same time, with these indulgences and others, since we can believe that these sensations are mutually exclusive or that feeling anything other than despair is disloyal. I also allowed myself now and then the transparency of showing others my broken heart rather than trying to hide it and "stay strong," and of rising into my fierceness rather than trying to suppress it with good manners.
journalling Eventually, my system emptied enough with the grief jar's help and stabilized enough with self-soothing so that I could finally journal, which I'm thankful for not only as an outlet but also as a chronicle, since my Grief Brain retained few memories of the first many months.
a place to have to get out of bed and report to as distraction, ideally around compassionate people, with lower-stakes tasks I feel for those who have hard jobs they must quickly return to after the death of a loved one... and for those who have no job to return to after. I feel for those surrounded by others expecting them to deny their grief in the funeral-and-3-days-to-get-over-it norm, and for those who have few or none to surround and co-regulate them. Some of my many privileges through my son's death include the job I got to return to after my son's death: at our family business, where I wanted to return and when I was ready, where my grief was welcomed, and where my tasks were lower stakes. If I hadn't this outlet already, I may have needed to find a simple job or volunteer position, at least for awhile. But if, like my spouse, it was a high-stakes job I needed to return to, I would have rallied as he had to, trusting my brain would rise to the occasion, knowing workplace routines would serve me better than sitting alone at home, and occupy my consciousness until it was time to titrate the grief again.
Grief Resources
The Compassionate Friends for loss of a child https://www.compassionatefriends.org/ TCF was the most often recommended resource after Julius died. They are a well-known nonprofit dedicated to supporting parents whose children have died. Their resources were among the first I found, like the Welcome Wagon to a place you never wanted to move to but with all of us at least feeling the same. But their information is typically delivered in writing, when many of us can't read in early grief (this resource listing guilty of the same). If you are able to read, TCF offers orienting articles such as "To the Newly Bereaved" and "When A Child Dies." Typing "suicide" into their search bar yields "Surviving Your Child's Suicide," a helpful start.
David Kessler's Grief.com grieving community and free Suicide Loss Support Series https://www.davidkesslertraining.com/suicide-loss-support?_gl=1*d69jev*_ga*MTc1NzAzNjQ2Ni4xNzA3NjkxNDg3*_ga_8H62NMYG2Y*MTcwNzY5MTQ4Ny4xLjEuMTcwNzY5MTUxNi4wLjAuMA..&_ga=2.53845281.805907716.1707691487-1757036466.1707691487 Kessler has positioned himself as a leading grief expert after many personal initiations to grief, including losing a son to overdose, and a lifetime of study. Too, most of his resources are video, so we don't need to read and get instead what feels like his personal connection. His website offers a wealth of resources such as 3-part video series about "Loss of a Child," a self-care video, and an overview "About Grief" video. My husband, teen daughter, and I worked through this 3-part Suicide Loss Support Series together shortly after Julius's death, which felt very helpful as a family.
Megan Devine's grieving resources, especially "tip sheet for early grief" https://refugeingrief.com/grief-resources Devine was thrust into a grief specialty when her partner tragically drowned and she encountered first hand our society's grief illiteracy, including among fellow psychotherapists she turned to for help. Her links help norm grief in a society that, despite its good intentions, doesn't know how to skillfully teach or support grieving.
Megan Devine’s “how to help a grieving friend” link to educate loved ones https://refugeingrief.com/helper-overview/ I wish I could've had everyone I knew read these links.
Helping Parents Heal for loss of a child but who we believe goes on https://www.helpingparentsheal.org/ HPH is a lesser-known nonprofit dedicated to supporting parents whose children have died, but the subset of those who believe and experience that their child's existence goes on after death: "HPH goes a step beyond other groups by allowing the open discussion of spiritual experiences and afterlife evidence in a non-dogmatic way. HPH welcomes everyone regardless of religious or non-religious background and encourages open dialog." With western society's value of the empirical and material realities, conventional grief support cannot ethically sanction (and tends to marginalize) discussion of the continuing post-death contact many of us maintain with our loved ones in the form of signs, dreams, visitations, and medium-facilitated dialogue. But with HPH, it's the norm, as is a more hopeful perspective. They offer many YouTube videos and other resources. Too, while many spiritual resources still vilify suicide, considering it a failure to fulfill our purpose, many HPH parents have heard otherwise from their children's communications. Though I didn't learn of HPH until almost year 2, it felt as if I'd finally found my people.
Dougy Center nonprofit, for surviving children https://www.dougy.org/resources?how=suicide&who=child&type=&audience=parents-caregivers Doug Center is a nonprofit dedicated to supporting children and families through grief. Its resources can be filtered by type of death, person who died, type of resource, and audience, so especially helpful for skilling up to support surviving children's coping, if you're fortunate to have surviving children. Surviving siblings of suicide are often considered the forgotten victims because, blamelessly, we parents are often so devastated by one child's death that it can be from challenging to impossible to rally in support of them.
Early Grief
Early Grief
Early Grief
Early Grief
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention's I've Lost Someone Video Series https://afsp.org/ive-lost-someone/ I wish I would've known about this resource early on. It's a video series about "Living with Suicide Loss": short interviews with fellow survivors like ourselves, orienting us to the skills of living in this new land we've been thrust into. Since these resources are video, we don't need to try to read. Instead, we get what feels like personal connections with those who get it.
Early Grief
Megan Devine’s book "It’s Ok that You’re Not Ok: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand" This was the most-often book recommended to me for grieving in general. It helps us understand that we're having to grieve in a grief illiterate society so how to cope with that. I found the book very helpful once I regained the ability to read more, and do more than get day to day.
Alliance of Hope for Suicide Loss Survivors https://forum.allianceofhope.org/forums/-/list Alliance of Hope's content may be similar to AFSP's, but Alliance I believe offers a softer, more diffuser-lensed approach to suicide loss resources, though also with more reading required--like mine, admittedly--instead of videos, which not all of us may be up for.
Early Grief
David Kessler's workbook "Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief Workbook: Tools for Releasing Pain and Remembering with Love" https://grief.com/sixth-stage-of-grief-workbook/ This book & workbook's title may be a misnomer: both are guides through all stages of grief, the workbook providing the prompts as to how to apply these ideas to your own experience, for those ready to do this important introspective healing.
Support: One On One
David Kessler's reminder: Grief must be witnessed by others; isolation only prolongs the healing journey.
Early Grief
FREE American Foundation for Suicide Prevention's Healing Conversations: Personal Support for Suicide Loss https://afsp.org/healing-conversations/ I wish I would have known about this option early on. These are fellow survivors who've likewise experienced the suicide of one or more loved ones who are trained in skillful peer support. AFSP offers the option of specifying method of suicide to match you with someone who survived the same.
Early Grief
FREE Helping Parents Heal Caring Listeners https://www.helpingparentsheal.org/caring-listeners/ Again, I wish I would have known about this option early on. These are fellow parents who've experienced the death of one or more children, who are trained in skillful peer support, and also openly believe and experience how their children's existence goes on after death. HPH lists bios of each Caring Listener so we may scan for fellow parents of suicide loss to reach out to.
Early Grief
Alliance of Hope Consultations for suicide loss https://allianceofhope.org/find-support/counseling/ Alliance of Hope offers suicide loss support by phone or Zoom by specialists who are also survivors of suicide loss and with decades of experience delivering suicide postvention grief support. Their consultations help you answer questions, understand what you are experiencing, and help you locate resources to build a foundation for surviving and healing but are not designed to serve as or replace psychotherapy for ongoing and/or preexisting mental health challenges. Consultations are $75.00/hour at the time of writing.
Psychotherapy: grief is hard enough, but it usually also opens old wounds For many of us, the trauma of a loved one's suicide reawakens all the other traumas that either we've denied or not made a priority to process. I learned a Russian nesting dolls analogy with trauma: that when the outside doll opens, it triggers all the inside dolls to open too. When I'm in my grief about my son's death, I am heartbroken, sometimes even angry. But when I'm in my old wound about my son's death, I'm also regretting that I didn't try harder with him while he was alive, so finding myself still trying harder–with everything–after his death. Our old wounds may show up as abandonment (Why does everyone leave me?), betrayal (I should never have trusted him!), neediness (How will I cope without him?), aloofness (I don't need him anyway.), control (I should have seen this coming!), or a host of other reactions. But their death isn't actually about us. So for many of us post-suicide, it's helpful to secure an experienced therapist to help titrate what may feel like an overwhelm of more than we can cope with. I've heard to look for a mental health professional specifically experienced with suicide bereavement (and ideally also a fellow survivor) and trained in grief support (since not all are), specifically traumatic grief and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), if not also specialized trauma treatments such as EFT Tapping, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), or SE (Somatic Experiencing trauma resolution). Though finding a good fit with a therapist can feel more than we're up for amid crisis, I've heard many helped by Psychology Today's Therapist Finder https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists (a source also for finding suicide loss support groups, though perhaps not easily). Too, support group members often share therapists they recommend.
Early Grief
Complementary Modalities, especially ones involving less talking Many more exist, but these I have tried and can vouch for: Somatic Experiencing (SE) allows the body to discharge trauma without having to revisit it or talk much. https://traumahealing.org/se-101/?gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjwrcKxBhBMEiwAIVF8rJLN1g9VNU2ii8pSES0VSzqnSVfT6cWgcErKKE-uayCgU_ylwk3uZRoCkfgQAvD_BwE CranioSacral Therapy (CST) https://www.upledger.com/therapies/ and other energy healing modalities such as Reiki https://www.reiki.org/faqs/what-reiki allow similar results in wordlessly discharging what no longer serves us from our systems. I can also recommend my spouse, Jonathan Polgar PA-C, a fellow bereaved parent, who practices each of these three modalities: https://mtnmedarts.com/mma-services/direct-primary-care/somatic-experiencing/ He takes appointments in-person, but also virtually for Somatic Experiencing. Acupuncture https://acupuncturetoday.com/article/34231-working-with-grief-pt-1-creating-space Massage https://www.abmp.com/textonlymags/article.php?article=1748 Transformational Breath https://transformationalbreath.com/ Grief Yoga https://griefyoga.com/about-grief-yoga/
Early Grief
FREE Co-Grieving, if lucky enough to find a fit The support that worked best for me was only by virtue of past training and beautiful synchronicity. When an acquaintance Cindy down the road lost her son to overdose 6 months after mine, we decided to meet weekly to support one another. Because we'd both already done much inner work, we weren't thrown into psychological crisis when this trauma hit. So it wasn't therapy we needed in our grief, as do many with unprocessed traumas; it was the simpatico of common experience, story sharing, and the neuron-mirroring deep understanding that we craved. Because we'd both trained in group facilitation, we already had the skills to make the sharing therapeutic: we took turns of equal length, even using a timer, didn't interrupt or presume unsolicited advice, didn't redirect back to ourselves or compare stories without permission, knew how to witness and allow big emotions, knew to end with "up and out" hope, plus could offer affirming reflective feedback if wanted. Then, because we were both students of the soul level and of similar spiritual traditions, we were able to share in depth the profundity of experiences not appropriate for conventional support groups. We've become lifelong friends, even pursuing a beach grief retreat together. For those interested in learning these humanistic skills, not themselves in psychological crisis, and willing to invest in reciprocal peer counseling, I can recommend training with Group Peer Support (https://grouppeersupport.org/)or Re-evaluation Counseling (https://www.reevaluationcounseling.org/welcome). For those now facing profound loss who've already done inner work and know hod to hold space for another, I wish for you likewise finding a skillful friend for co-grieving, maybe even solicited from a support group, who can "get it."
Early Grief
Me, an experienced grief companion, FREE 1st Loss & Grieving Session with mention of this Resources page https://www.returninghomehealing.com/offerings If you sense we may be a fit, if you're seeking longer-term skillful grief companionship than AFSP's Healing Conversations or HPH's Caring Listeners may be able to offer, more affordable support than Alliance of Hope's Consultations can offer, and the option of exploring more deeply than these other support models but more soulfully than the conventional psychotherapy model, it would be my honor to walk this path with you. Please visit my Offerings page and use the Contact Me box to reach out, being sure to mention seeing this invitation here on my Resources page.
Support: Groups
Megan Devine's bottom line advice: Find your people.
FREE Loving Outreach to Survivors of Suicide (LOSS) Parent Support Group best free drop-in on-line support group I found for parents of suicide loss https://www.catholiccharities.net/behavioral-health-programs/loss-loving-outreach-to-survivors-of-suicide/ In early grief, finding a support group was more than I could manage or be ready for. But there came a point when I yearned to look on the faces of others who were enduring the same loss I was. The most skillfully-facilitated, professionally-supported, free on-line support group specific to parents of suicide I found was interestingly through Catholic Charities in Chicago: LOSS. Its many programs are nondenominational, exclusively catered to suicide survivors, longstanding since the 1970s, and begun by a priest progressive enough to have supposedly said that if there was a hell, he didn't believe anyone was in it. Downsides were that it was only once a month, so well attended that there could be less time for each person to share, and often heavy with despair, but still very helpful to "find my people." Registration and pre-screening required.
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention's Find A Support Group directory https://afsp.org/find-a-support-group/ Again, I wish I would have known about this resource rather than desperately typing "suicide survivor support group" into Google and having to filter results in my early mania. Type in zip code and mile radius and its search produces both in-person and online vetted group options. If we're seeking support groups free or specific to parents, we can scan for those among results. On this page AFSP also links to Alliance of Hope for Suicide Loss Survivors' Community Forum (https://forum.allianceofhope.org/forums/-/list) where I see listed free Community Sunday Zoom Gatherings, but its support doesn't seem specific to parents. Alliance also offers Support Groups for Grieving Dads (https://allianceofhope.org/find-support/support-groups-for-grieving-dads/) and Support Groups for Grieving Mothers (https://allianceofhope.org/find-support/support-groups-for-grieving-mothers/) but for a cost, and all full at time of writing.
David Kessler’s Tender Hearts Grief Support Community for all grievers https://www.davidkesslertraining.com/tenderhearts?_gl=1*1n8xhpw*_ga*OTQ0NjEzOTUwLjE3MTI0NTE1NDY.*_ga_8H62NMYG2Y*MTcxMzM5MjYxNS40LjAuMTcxMzM5MjYxNS4wLjAuMA..&_ga=2.145425393.496391349.1713392615-944613950.1712451546 $34/mo subscription as of fall 2024 I very much respect Kessler's work. In addition to general grief support sessions, his community also hosts numerous smaller loss-specific groups, including many for death of a child and another for death by suicide, but not yet one for parents of suicide as of the time of writing.
FREE Helping Parents Heal's Moving Forward After Suicide Zoom support group https://www.helpingparentsheal.org/affiliate-groups/special-interest-groups/ www.facebook.com/groups/HPHmovingforwardaftersuicide/ HPH offers twice-a-month Zoom support groups for parents of suicide loss with the caveat that one must first join the HPH Facebook page as well as its Moving Forward After Suicide Facebook page. HPH also offers numerous in-person, hybrid, and Zoom events and support groups. A reminder that HPH differs in that open discussion of our children's existence continuing after death--via dreams, awake visitation, signs, and mediums--is encouraged, whereas such talk needs to remain prohibited in conventional support groups. HPH also offers a Dad's special interest group, though not specific just to suicide loss.
FREE The Compassionate Friends's Local Chapter in-person meetings for all parent grievers https://www.compassionatefriends.org/find-support/chapters/chapter-locator/ https://www.compassionatefriends.org/find-support/online-communities/online-support/ I was heartened to see that TCF, my first go-to for resources, offered both in-person and virtual support, including even many online groups per day. But I was disheartened to find the live online experience was merely faceless typing for an hour. When I was finally ready to visit a local chapter in-person meeting, I was relieved to see faces but sad that there may not be other parents of suicide there and that it too was just once a month.
FREE SB4T monthly Zoom suicide bereavement support group for teens Of the two teen groups my daughter sampled, she preferred this one, run by psychotherapist Jessica Lincoln (https://cvilletherapy.com/)who’s intentionally left information about the group off the internet to protect the space. But here's an article about it (https://www.loudounnow.com/news/new-suicide-bereavement-group-helps-teens-find-hope-healing/article_131f56db-8a7e-5c20-9590-8ad2f0b8dcd8.html and here's her email (sb4tloudoun@gmail.com).
option for mothers of suicide loss of only children https://friendsforsurvival.org/meetings I happened into this group in my research, for those facing this added grief.
option for those identifying as male but don't do grief support groups Mankind Project (MKP) I learned from grief expert David Kessler that, after his son’s suicide, his surviving son wouldn’t have anything to do with his dad’s wealth of grieving resources, but he would accept the shoulder-to-shoulder support of MKP groups, offered both virtually and in-person. I can attest to the credibility of MKP groups since my spouse Jonathan has participated steadily since 2007 and is a better version of himself for it. https://mkpusa.org/mens-group/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=Brand&utm_content=mankind%20project&utm_term=mankind%20project&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjw_qexBhCoARIsAFgBlevhmKlfblrNbwri7DG5vNzqFg4xPzL34cFWUCGD1flmHBOJjYjCnkUaArQeEALw_wcB
Essays & Poems
Sutton's essay "Sudden Death: Wayfinding Through Grief" https://edstreeter.com/grief-suite//sudden-death-guideposts-guidelines-and-wayfinding-through-grief This short essay, penned by my husband's dear high-school friend Eaddy, elegantly distills into twelve phases the chaos of grieving sudden death, to help us newly initiated see a broader context and gently coach us through it. It helped me to see her retrospective on why we need shock and the many ways it may show up, how to allow collapse, why relationships change, why grief is work, and how three years could become my horizon line.
Trommer's many poems about her son's suicide, especially "The Song," and Maren-Hogan's bringing me to them and her own poem https://ahundredfallingveils.com/2023/09/03/the-song/ https://ahundredfallingveils.com/tag/son/ Poet Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer writes and posts a poem every day. This devotion eventually resumed after her son's suicide, with some of these poems providing an intimate window into her immediate daily experience of grieving. Local poet Anne Maren-Hogan kept recommending her poems to me in my early grief, but it was like hearing a distant call from a far-away land that I couldn't yet heed. Eventually Anne emailed me Trommer's "The Song," which placed in front of me an idea that seemed blasphemous among grieving parents: that I deserved abiding peace, no matter what, even when it seemed loyalty to my son should have me remain in despair. Thank you, Rosemerry & Anne, for helping me pivot in that moment to committing to my own peace, despite and still including profound grief. Too, Anne penned her own poem inspired by Celo community's coming together after my son's suicide. "Hearts rip open, bleed in confusion,/ roar at the madness of suicide, a boy-child/ refusing to go on another day," Anne writes in her poem "Raw to the Bone" in her collection "A Great Wild Goodness." https://redhawkpublications.com/A-Great-Wild-Goodness-What-Frightens-Also-Excites-p669426502
Early Grief
Welch's essay "Healing in the Deep Ocean of Grief" about his son's suicide https://www.mindful.org/healing-in-the-deep-ocean-of-grief/ I happened upon Bryan Welch's article synchronistically, leafing through magazines during New Year's Intention Mapping a few month's after my son's death. Welch, whose son died of an overdose, was the first person I heard speak to something un-named I was feeling: it was gratitude for the broken-open heart I was feeling and the sense that it helped me now belong more to humanity.
grief podcast "All There Is with Anderson Cooper" https://www.cnn.com/audio/podcasts/all-there-is-with-anderson-cooper Though it took me til year 3 to be ready for this podcast, my spouse found it comforting in early grief, maybe because Cooper began recording it in his early grief. It helped both of us tremendously in the isolation of grief hearing others talk openly & wisely about their grieving. It helped us connect & learn.
Reconnecting with our Departed & Trusting We Go On
Gibson's poem "Love Letter From The Afterlife" https://andreagibson.substack.com/p/love-letter-from-the-afterlife Colorado’s Poet Laureate Andrea Gibson reaffirms our knowing about how our loved ones go on and remain with us. This poem, sent by a fellow griever, broke me open to tears.
Early Grief
Newton's book "Journey of Souls" https://www.newtoninstitute.org/publication/journey-of-the-souls/ This first book in a series by regression therapist Dr. Michael Newton offers a working model of the afterlife, based on decades of research and thousands of client cases, and reminds of who we may truly be beyond what we consider reality. Though not all creeds or beliefs warrant such possibilities, those that can may be greatly reassured by Newton's work. When I felt frantic to understand what may have become of my son after his death, where he was, and what he may be experiencing, this was the first book I went to. I went on to read most all Newton's books and those of his proteges that first year after Julius's death, such a comfort as they were to me.
Books written by bereaved parents about ongoing relationships with their deceased children, such as Medhus's "My Son and the Afterlife: Conversations from the Other Side" https://channelingerik.com/my-son-and-the-afterlife/ Family physician Dr. Elisa Medhus, like many of us after a child's suicide, faced the same frantic questions, especially the heartbreaking "Why?!!". Love for her son eventually overcame her empirical training and motivated hiring multiple mediums to answer these questions. This book transcribes these sessions' conversations with her son, including their endearingly funny mother-son dynamic and Erik's refreshing irreverence. In their next book, "My Life After Death" https://channelingerik.com/my-life-after-death/ written by Erik via medium Jamie Butler, I found an easily-accessible synthesis of some of the most poignant spiritual teachings in my many years' study. Too, parents still communicating with their deceased children became "my people," and I went on to find other books written by everyday moms describing their ongoing relationships and validating my own experiences. Some of these books include... Smith's "Beautiful Gift: How I Found My Son in the Afterlife" http://www.howifoundmyson.com/ Davieau's "Inspiration from Above: My Son Guides Me Form The Afterlife" https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/54405156-inspiration-from-above Berhage's "Letters from Celestial Jess: Afterlife Messages from My Daughter" https://dreamkeepercreations.blogspot.com/ Willis's "Steven's Gift: A Mother and Son's Story of Afterlife Connection" https://www.denisewillis.com/shop/stevens-gift And many more here: https://www.helpingparentsheal.org/books/by-shining-light-parents/
Houghton's Science of the Afterlife and Grief class https://www.kathoughton.com/science-of-the-afterlife-and-grief "Recovering psychologist" Kat Houghton reminds that over half our population experiences some form of contact with their deceased loved ones, but that our society doesn't make it easy to validate or share those experiences. Her virtual class provides an overview of some of the most rigorous science suggesting that human consciousness survives death.
Forever Family Foundation of vetted mediums https://foreverfamilyfoundation.org/pages/certified-mediums The FFF is a nonprofit that certifies mediums based their proficiency so that grievers have vetted mediums with whom to continue their relationships after the physical death of loved ones.
National Spiritualist Association of Churches https://nsac.org/ Spiritualist Churches gather fellow mediums and psychics, and often host events like community readings, should there be an organization in your community.
Death, Burial & Community
Ways to heal our society's unnatural relationship with death & dying such as Savage's Death Fellowship, other offerings & documentary "The Midwife's Shroud" https://www.deathseedinglife.com/services https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FUfeeG4hoSQ Celo beloved local & death edu-culturalist Katherine Savage has a mission of helping us heal our society's dysfunctional view of death & dying. It's my honor to have attended one of her first year-long fellowship cohorts and to have worked beside her supporting community death conversations, events, and public talks; her shroud creation project; and local deaths & burials. One of her influences is the controversial Stephen Jenkinson, championing the same work... Jenkinson's Orphan Wisdom School & "Griefwalker" documentary https://orphanwisdom.com/ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gqNsQdlfo7c
Community Death & Grieving mutual aid & nonprofit collectives such as Savage's Death Seedling Life https://www.deathseedinglife.com/services Death midwife Katherine Savage helped me bury my son and bring our Celo community together to do it, from shroud sewing to grave digging. She's also helped me understand the importance of death & dying care being returned to everyday people in our communities and own homes, as it used to be, rather than continuing the privatization and expert culture of having to outsource and pay professionals. Granted, it's rare that actually communities exist anymore given how increasingly isolated so many of us live. In that case, death & dying nonprofits--in addition to hospice care--have been emerging for on-site supported death care and community education, such as... Asheville's Center for Conscious Living & Dying and "Last Ecstatic Days" documentary https://www.ccld.community/ https://www.thelastecstaticdaysmovie.com/
Home Funerals & Green Burial https://www.homefuneralalliance.org/ https://www.greenburialproject.org/ A comfort of my life was that when our son died, we got to welcome home his intact body, still viable for a home funeral. We got to bathe, anoint, and cradle its familiar contours; brush and braid its long hair; and monitor its decay atop dry ice over 3 days, getting us ready for its burial on our forested property. We got to welcome friends & family into the comfort of our own home & land rather than the anonymity of a funeral home or cemetery. We got to bury our son within sight of our own front door. I know home funerals & green burials may be a privilleged option for only some of us given comfort levels with corpses, circumstances of death, organ donation choices, local ordinances, real estate access & implications to property value, and death midwife or public green burial cemetery availability. But for those of ready for this consciousness-raising step, it can a way to make beauty of tragedy, as it was for us.
The Great Giveaway of our loved one's belongings I remember the anguish of standing in my deceased son's bedroom, surrounded by the characteristic teenage mess of all he'd left behind. Of course we needed to let that room be as it was for many months as a remaining connection to him. But eventually, especially as odors increased, we were ready to begin the sorting. Six months after his death, we invited Julius's friends for a grief gathering at our home, complete with facilitated talking circle, pizza & story sharing, and "great giveaway" where they took turns picking clothing & items from his bedroom. It warmed my heart to see friends that loved him leaving with things he'd loved. It felt far preferable to donating them or converting his room into a shrine. It made for great healing for all of us.
Community Grief Gatherings such as Josh Fox's recurring ones https://www.foxhealing.com/grief or the ones our family hosted at our home after our son's death, the last one in 2024, post Hurricane Helene https://www.returninghomehealing.com/community-grief-gathering
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"It's been my honor to have gotten to know Jenn deeply in the year-and-a-half we've been regularly co-grieving our sons' deaths, mine by overdose. Jenn's ability to open her ever-expanding heart and allow another's soul to flow into it with pain and faith, defeat and trust, is an unparalleled gift. Without the container of her broad experience to receive the depths of my own personal losses, my heart would have been hardened into a small shell of despair. Her presence and compassion are life lines in a culture that encourages us to buck up and move on. She has a rare capacity to create a nest of utter safety and simultaneously encourage the wounded spirit to dare to take flight again into the vulnerability of love's precious refuge.
Her grief tending is unsurpassed."
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